The Art of Going in Curious

Many years ago, my mentor introduced me to this idea when he was guiding me through preparing for a difficult conversation. Back then, I had no idea just how powerful and far-reaching this simple mindset would be. Yet over time, I’ve seen how it can completely shift the tone, quality, and outcomes of nearly any interaction.

Harvard Business Review published an article on this very topic in October of 2018: Why Curiosity Matters. Within the case study there are 3 distinct sections:

• The Business Case for Curiosity, By Francesca Gino
• The Five Dimensions Of Curiosity, By Todd B Kashdan, David J. Disabato, Fallon R. Goodman, and Carl Naughton
• From Curious To Competent, By Claudio Fernández-Arázoz, Andrew

But, can a single phrase, a single mindset, truly transform the way you interact with others, navigate tough conversations, and ease conflict? I didn’t think so until one of my mentors shared a principle that would forever change how I approach communication: “Seek to understand by going in curious and always assume positive intent.”

What Does it Really Mean?

At its core, "seek to understand by going in curious" means approaching conversations with an open mind and a willingness to hear the other person’s perspective without judgment. It’s about stepping away from assumptions and actively listening with the goal of gaining insight.

This aligns with Francesca Gino’s findings on the benefits of curiosity in leadership: it reduces decision-making errors, fosters trust, and promotes collaboration. Leaders who adopt this mindset think more deeply and develop innovative solutions—exactly the outcomes curiosity is proven to drive.

Adding "always assume positive intent" to this mindset reinforces that we’re giving people the benefit of the doubt, believing that they’re not out to harm us or manipulate the situation, even if their words or actions might initially seem otherwise. You’ll want to keep one thing in mind when using this approach: everyone is the hero of their own story. Rarely do people believe they are acting with bad intent and will find ways to justify their actions.

Why This Mindset Matters

Addressing any situation, whether it be a performance issue, an employee's actions or inactions, or even a mistake, at face value without context is dangerous. It may cause you to take action or address the situation that may not be appropriate given the circumstances. Research cited by Gino highlights how curiosity helps reduce confirmation bias and stereotyping, leading to better outcomes and improved relationships.

Reduces Misunderstandings and Conflict

When we approach conversations with curiosity and assume good intentions, we’re less likely to misinterpret someone’s words or actions. Often, conflict arises not from intentional harm but from simple misunderstandings. By going in with an open mind, we can prevent these misunderstandings from escalating into something bigger.

Strengthens Trust and Builds Relationships

People feel valued and respected when they’re genuinely listened to. Assuming positive intent sends a clear message: "I trust you." This trust fosters an environment where individuals are more willing to share openly and less likely to hold back or be defensive. As Francesca Gino points out, curiosity fosters more collaborative relationships, as individuals are more likely to take an interest in each other’s ideas and perspectives. This trust can pave the way for deeper, more meaningful professional relationships. For example, leaders like Greg Dyke at the BBC used thoughtful questioning to build trust and improve organizational culture.

Creates Constructive, Solution-Focused Conversations

Conversations are more productive when both parties feel safe and heard. Approaching situations with the mindset of understanding keeps the focus on problem-solving and finding common ground rather than assigning blame or defending oneself. Encouraging curiosity keeps the focus on problem-solving and finding common ground rather than assigning blame or defending oneself. Leaders who model inquisitiveness can inspire open dialogue and create a culture of curiosity and collaboration. This practice mirrors Pixar’s “plussing” technique, where ideas are built upon without judgment—a hallmark of curiosity-driven leadership.

Fosters Emotional Intelligence and Self-Regulation

When we practice this approach, we’re actively training ourselves to manage our emotional responses. By taking a moment to pause, reflect, and listen rather than react, we build greater emotional resilience and develop stronger interpersonal skills over time. Research shows that curiosity not only enhances resilience but also reduces defensive reactions to stress, enabling leaders to handle tough conversations with empathy and calmly.

Implications of Not Seeking to Understand and Assuming Negative Intent

Think about the last time you needed to address a mistake, failure to follow process, or performance-related issue. Was your employee immediately defensive, upset, or withdrawn? This is likely due to our flight-or-fight response, which I’ll explore shortly. When we, as leaders, fail to seek to understand our employees' point of view, it can have profound consequences, both on our personal and professional relationships.

Escalation of Conflict

When we jump to conclusions or assume the worst, it triggers a cycle of defensiveness, hurt feelings, and heightened emotions. This often leads to escalating arguments, misunderstandings, and sometimes even damaged relationships. Once the relationship is damaged, it will take a lot of time and effort to repair, if it's repairable at all. Francesca Gino’s research in the Harvard Business Review Article, Why Curiosity Matters, also demonstrates that encouraging curiosity within teams reduces group conflict and encourages individuals to work more effectively together.

Reinforces Negative Biases

Assuming negative intent feeds our confirmation bias, causing us to look for evidence that supports our assumptions. This can lead to mistrust and resentment, which ultimately damages rapport and collaboration. Employees may start withholding information for fear of getting in trouble or simply try and pass the blame to someone else.

Missed Opportunities for Understanding

There is always more than one side to any story. Oftentimes, data alone isn't enough to tell the whole story. Approaching conversations with curiosity often reveals new perspectives and insights. Without it, we miss the chance to broaden our understanding of what may actually be happening. This additional information may change the way you address the situation. Francesca Gino’s research suggests that a lack of curiosity not only perpetuates misunderstandings but also deprives us of the opportunity to see the bigger picture and find innovative solutions. For example, fostering curiosity has been linked to heightened creativity and better problem-solving skills in both creative and structured jobs.

Effects Mental and Physical Health

Engaging in constant conflict, frustration, and negativity puts stress on our bodies. Chronic stress and the constant activation of the fight-or-flight response can lead to health problems like anxiety, hypertension, and other stress-related ailments. (MayoClinic)

The American Psychological Association (APA) also underscores how chronic stress can disrupt the body's systems, leading to both mental and physical ailments. Over time, stress can affect memory, focus, and lead to conditions such as sleep problems and weight gain​​.

The Role of Fight-or-Flight in Communication

In challenging conversations, the body’s fight-or-flight response often activates. This is an automatic survival mechanism designed to protect us in moments of perceived danger. However, in modern life, we’re not facing predators but rather interpersonal challenges—disagreements, differing opinions, misunderstandings. When we encounter these challenges we perceive them as threats. Threats to our job, our livelihood, or our well-being. When we allow fight-or-flight to drive our responses, we may find ourselves interrupting, becoming defensive, or lashing out instead of listening. By pausing to seek understanding, we essentially switch off this reactive mode, allowing us to engage in the conversation rationally and empathetically.

This approach may sound simple, but it takes practice to implement. When you're angry, upset, and frustrated, it's easy to jump to conclusions based on the limited information you have. Addressing situations while in this mindset will set off our natural fight-or-flight response. In situations where we feel challenged, misunderstood, or frustrated, it’s easy to go on the defensive, assume the worst, or jump to conclusions. By seeking to understand, you directly counter our natural fight-or-flight response. By actively choosing to seek understanding and assume positive intent, we’re effectively disarming this reactive response and creating space for constructive, open dialogue. Francesca Gino’s research underscores that curiosity reduces defensiveness and aggression, enabling constructive dialogue.

How to Start Applying this Approach

1. Pause and Reflect: Before responding, take a breath. Give yourself a moment to process the situation before reacting.
2. Ask Open-Ended Questions: Questions like “Can you help me understand?” or “What are your thoughts?” demonstrate curiosity and invite the other person to share their perspective without feeling judged.
3. Challenge Your Assumptions: If you feel yourself slipping into a defensive or negative mindset, consciously remind yourself to assume positive intent. Consider what other explanations might exist before jumping to conclusions.
4. Practice Empathy and Active Listening: Show genuine interest in what the other person is saying. Make eye contact, nod in acknowledgment, and repeat back what you’ve heard to ensure you understand their point of view.

Do's and Don'ts

DO: Prepare Thoroughly

Have all necessary documentation, such as past conversations, emails, or recordings, to base your understanding on facts. Depending on the circumstances, you may want to prepare any disciplinary documentation (Professional Improvement Plan, or write up) and be ready to administer the document, especially if it’s not your first conversation.

DON'T: Make Assumptions

Avoid bringing preconceived ideas into the conversation; assumptions can derail honest discovery.

DO: Ask Open-Ended Questions

Keep questions unbiased and open-ended to encourage honesty and uncover information or perspective you may not have considered. These questions should be pointed and direct. If the details you are being given don't align with the details of your initial investigation, be prepared to challenge it. “You said you put notes on this ticket, however, the notes haven't been updated in 2 weeks. Why have they not been updated? Can you send me the process you’re following?” or “You said you had a conversation with Jimmy, can you please send me the recording?”

DON'T: Get Defensive

Maintain calm and neutrality, even if the employee’s responses challenge you.

DO: Listen Actively and Confirm Understanding

Restate or summarize what you’ve heard to show you’re listening and to clarify any points of confusion.

DON'T: Be Ambiguous

Be specific when addressing issues or expectations so that nothing is left unclear or open to misinterpretation.

DO: Follow Up with Clear Actions

You may learn details that may require you to do a little more research. Ensure that you define next steps if you do need to do more research. If the situation warrants it, review and obtain a signature on the disciplinary paperwork.

DON'T: Skip Documentation

Documentation ensures accountability and consistency, especially for future conversations or any follow-up needed.

How to Handle Gaslighting

Inevitably, you will encounter a point where you are being deliberately deceived. When you suspect an employee might be gaslighting—intentionally distorting facts or perceptions to manipulate the outcome—it’s essential to combine curiosity with accountability. You have a responsibility to trust but verify the facts. This may mean following up with other employees or asking for proof. Remember, curiosity does not exempt an employee from accountability.

Be Prepared for the Conversation

Collect relevant data, documentation, and recordings if available. Objectivity here is crucial; the goal isn’t to “win” but to ensure clarity. When addressing the situation, present the data and ask for an explanation. Prepare a formal corrective action plan, performance improvement plan, or written accountability prior to the conversation.

Address Discrepancies and Fact-Check Post Discussion

Once you’ve listened to their perspective, confirm key points by cross-referencing with evidence. If discrepancies persist, address them calmly by comparing your records with what was discussed. It’s important to be blunt and maintain control of the conversation. Even when frustrated, escalating will only cause a cascade of unproductive emotional responses. If you need to do additional research, clearly explain the next steps. If the situation warrants it, ask for proof and set a deadline for getting that information to you.

Establish a Clear Record

Ensure that conversations are documented so there’s an indisputable record of expectations and outcomes. This is not only for accountability but to prevent any misrepresentation in future conversations.

Follow Through on Accountability

Be prepared to administer the corrective action you prepared prior to the conversation. Unfortunately, not all conversations end with a simple process change. At times, you will need to make a judgment call on how to proceed. If a pattern of manipulation emerges, consider next steps like formal feedback, corrective action plans, or in severe cases, HR involvement.

Conclusion

In a world that often feels reactive and divided, approaching conversations with curiosity and assuming positive intent can feel like a revolutionary act. It allows us to connect, build trust, and resolve conflicts with greater ease and grace. Drawing from the insights of Harvard Business Review’s Why Curiosity Matters, it’s clear: cultivating curiosity isn’t just good for individuals—it’s essential for leaders and organizations alike.

While it may take practice, the benefits—reduced conflict, deeper relationships, and improved emotional well-being—are well worth the effort. So next time you find yourself facing a challenging conversation, remember: seek to understand, go in curious, and always assume positive intent. This simple approach has the power to change not only conversations but relationships, workplaces, and even the way we see the world.